Emotional Mama

Yesterday was emotionally draining. By the end of the day I felt all wrung out. Auntie had her hip surgery. She looked old and frail and tired and seeing her that way tugs at my heart. Of course, it also reminds me that I am not getting any younger and when I realize that I am middle aged – the age auntie was through most of my childhood – I do a mental double-take. What! When did THAT happen? She came through the surgery ok, but it was a long day spent at the hospital (and running errands) worrying and taking side-roads and crazy short-cuts down memory lane. Decisions will need to be made and it feels a bit gut-wrenching to comprehend with sudden clarity that someone who was once took care of our basic needs – feed us PB&J, took us to the beach, and drove us around with the top down and the wind in our hair – now needs us to do the same for her.

It was also hard to be away from Maggie for 9 hours. I know she is 3 and no longer a baby, but she and I spend our days together and being apart for 9 hours is like going cold turkey. I suffered from Maggie withdrawal! I missed her stories. Like, “Hey, mom, remember the time we went swimming and I fell backward into the water and got bit by a crocodile?”
“Ah, no I don’t remember that.”
“Yeah, me either.”

A Classic Maggie story, for sure. I feel pangs in the middle of my chest when I think about her starting preschool in the fall and what I think of as “our time” drawing to a close. My baby becomes my toddler, my toddler becomes my preschooler… and so it goes!

And yesterday Moira was at Laurel’s house. Letting go and knowing she is playing independently and happily somewhere outside our family circle is sigh-worthy. And knowing she is playing in their pool – swimming! – is makes me unable to sit still! I was very twitchy! It was a milestone and I felt slightly on edge till I knew she safely back home in our living room, feet firmly on the floor.

And Sam had a fever all yesterday – and the day before that, and all day today…. so, I do what moms do. I worry. Why does he have a fever? Is there a rash? Does he have a headache? An injury, a tick bite, a tumor? Ok, not a tumor, but I do worry. And not being home to take care of him was hard. Undoubtedly, harder on me than him, but there ya go. That’s motherhood.

So, yesterday I missed all my kids very much and I longed to be with them. And today I stayed home with 4 kids on a rainy day and I tried to remember what exactly what it was about them I missed…


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